Dear Toska, 

I do not own a car so on occasion my long time boyfriend helps me out by taking me to appointments that are not always accessible by public transportation.  Recently he promised to drive me to an appointment on Sunday after church. When he came home he told me to give him time to take a short nap, I obliged and woke him up 30 minutes later. He then asked for another 10 minutes which I agreed to. However when I awoke him for the third time he started asking me a million questions and making excuses, then said he did not have gas.  It made me angry because I’d already re-scheduled this appointment twice, and just the night before he said that he would take me. This is not the first time he’s done this; it seems like every time I‘d ask him to be dropped off somewhere important he makes excuses for not wanting to do it. I get mad at him because he has no problem driving to parties on the outskirts of town or hanging out with friends and yet he has excuses for my important stuff. And furthermore I’ve never had a problem coughing up coins for gas when necessary. I cannot understand why he would fake me out, how should I handle his excuses?

Signed PC

Dear PC,

One thing I’ve noticed about the relationships that I’ve been in is that even though we were able to share a lot of things some things you just don’t share.  I may share a bagel, some orange juice, a shirt and maybe even a pair of slacks.  I may even wear a pair of her underwear IF THEY ARE NEW AND STILL IN THE PACKAGE.  One thing that I have found it hard to share is friends and any form of transportation whether it was a bus card, scooter, roller blades, roller skates, skateboard and God forbid a car. One thing about friends is that when there are issues in the relationship friends are often times put in the middle sometimes without the couple even saying anything to them.  I’ve had plenty of relationships and what I come to learn is that my friends and my lover will meet and we may hang out from time to time but we will without a doubt keep them separate.  I feel the same way about vehicles.  Cars give you a certain type of freedom.  Freedom is the condition of being free; the power to act or speak or think without externally imposed restraints.  Sharing a car with a family member, lover, and/or a friend imposes a restraint.  You are only able to come and go when that person has time to take you.  Sharing a vehicle also causes unnecessary friction in relationships.  It’s not easy living as an African-American but top that with being gay or lesbian.  That’s enough to deal with.   My advice would be to purchase your own vehicle.  It doesn’t have to be anything fancy, just something to get around in.  You’ll be able to breathe better knowing that you can come and go as you please.  I’m sure you have the same type of freedom in your relationship now but you will feel a since of relief not having to depend on someone else even if it is your long time lover.  The only problem you’ll have after that is your lover stalking you in his vehicle.

Peace!!