Dear Toska,

I’ve met this lady that I’ve been seeing for the last 8 months I’m madly in love and I’ve been giving it my all to make it work,  the only problem is -- once we moved in together it seems like I’m living with a crazy woman.    My mate is almost 16 years my junior so she’s always telling me that when I get older I will understand the advice she gives.  At times I do not want to be bothered with her but I am trying to give it my all despite the fact that she’s finicky, accuses me of cheating, fusses about everything from how I keep our apartment, why I did not kiss her good morning, to my ex-boyfriend, and how I need to distance myself from my messy girlfriends.  What should I do? 

Signed Living with a Nag. 

Dear Living with a Nag:

So you’ve both fallen victim to what’s called “The Lesbian Cliché” in the lesbian community.  The Lesbian Cliché is when two women meet and hit it off almost instantly.  She likes you, your friends and family and vice versa.  Of course you are still in the “getting to know one another stages”.  About 30 days will pass and you two are inseparable.  You spend every moment together.  Talking on the telephone every moment you get.  Calling one another at work, sending texts and emails through out the day, you simply can’t get enough.  Yes, let’s not forget all the sex.  You are screwing like rabbits.  You just can’t keep your hands off one another.  Month 3 hits… and you are now in LUST, NOT LOVE.  You don’t want to live apart.  You’re tired of going home every morning or vice versa.  You also think that you could cut your expenses in half if you lived together.  Why pay rent in two places right?  That doesn’t make sense.  You want to wake up with her.  You want to ride into work together, do laundry and invite all of your friends over that you love so much.  Month 3…you take the plunge.  You both decide to move into one place because it’s easier, economical and it just doesn’t make sense to have two places if you all are together 24/7 right?  You go get a separate place because you don’t want to make the other person feel like it’s not theirs right?  Some people may even opt to move into the other person’s house/apartment that’s larger in size.  Month 4-5 rolls around and you're still IN LUST and little bit but something happened.  You’re hanging out, cooking dinner together, you’ve met the parents and in some cases you’ve met the baby’s daddy.  You are one big happy family right??? You are now approaching Month 6 and you realize that you’re still lusting but something has changed about what you were originally feeling.  This woman that you were so in LUST with has come out of a bag…..NOT.  She didn’t come out of a bag sweetie you didn’t put in the work that it requires dating someone.  You didn’t get to know the Nag.  Had you taken the time you would have never and I do mean never moved in with her.  You say that she now dislikes your friends.  Honey, she never liked them.  She tolerated them in order to get to you. Another Lesbian Cliché strikes again.  My suggestion to you honey is to step back and take a look at your life as it is today.  Ask yourself if this is what you imagined when you were a little girl or young adult.  Did you imagine dating a much older woman who’s insecure about your ex-boyfriend as if you didn’t have a past when you met her?  If the answer is no then today should be the day to start reorganizing the things that will make you happy.  You get to live your life once.  There aren’t any do-overs.  You get one shot at creating the life that you want.  Tomorrow is not promised.  A toxic relationship only causes you stress and unnecessary pain and misery.

Start journaling and committing to paper what you want out of this life and promise yourself that you will do all of the things that make you happy without any regrets.  Take this relationship as a lesson and move on.  Do waste time asking for answers to this problem when you know deep down inside that it’s not going to work.

Peace, Toska